#7 Bonus Scene: Pantsoff Finds Mary And Puppy (from The Superfriends Of The Ring)

Two young wobbits watched Pantsoff's fireworks with great interest. One took a quirky little bite out of the fried pickle he was holding as he glanced about suspiciously. The wobbits ducked into the fireworks tent. A skyrocket exploded overhead, the sparks spelling out "Shop in Wobbiton and save! Paid for by the Wobbiton Chamber of Commerce."  The second wobbit, who somehow looked even stupider than the one holding a fried pickle, grabbed a nearby rocket.

"No, no!" said the pickle-wobbit. "Big one! Big one!" The stupid wobbit picked up another rocket so fanciful-looking that it seemed hazardous to launch. "Well? Stick it in the ground!"

"Stick what in the ground?" said the stupid one.

"The skyrocket of course! What did you think I meant?"

"I don't know. Whatever." The stupid wobbit stuck it in the ground. "Got a match?"

"Yeah, your face and my butt!" the first wobbit said, gesturing grandly with his pickle. "Ha! Really though, I don't, do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Do you have a match? Because I don't! Come on, dude!"

"No, I quit smoking. Well, now what do we—Youch!"

Both wobbits suddenly found themselves getting terrifying wedgies. Behind them was a bearded old man. He was twice their height, which gave him excellent leverage as he pulled higher and higher on the waistbands of their undies. Soon they were standing uncomfortably on tip-toe, as he addressed them each. 

"Mariellen Buckiebrand" he said to the one with the pickle. "And Parafin Dork. I might have known. Were you really going to set off a skyrocket inside a tent? A tent with clearly posted signs reading 'No Smoking'? A tent filled with fireworks, 190-proof Dwarven Everclear, and Southron-made flammable children's sleepware?"

"We were mostly improvising," said Mariellen. He liked to be called Rock, but everyone called him Mary. "We hadn't thought our plan through this far."

"It was all Mary's idea," said Paraffin. He was often called Puppy, not because of his cute, large eyes, but in recognition of his wisdom, attention-span and self-control.

"Idiots! I should turn you both into Crackerjack. You were about to burn yourselves horribly and ruin my remaining fireworks! But thanks to my intervention there will be plenty of rockets left to chase off any remaining guests at closing time. I just stopped in to get some distilled spirits to liven up Bulbo's punchbowl." 

"Here, take a bottle in each hand. My hands are both full," he said as he dragged the wobbits by the back of their underwear out of the tent. "Let's rejoin the party. Bulbo is about to make his speech!"

"Oh no!" cried Mary and Puppy. "Please turn us into Crackerjack, Pantsoff! Candy-coated popcorn, peanuts and a prize! Please!"

Keep coming back for more of Superfriends Of The Ring. To read my loving, insightful, full-length parody of The Hobbit,  order a copy of my eBook The Wobbit on Amazon for only $3.00: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ZR9ELK .  

If you don't have a Kindle reader, you can download the Kindle app from Amazon for free and then read The Wobbit on your Mac, PC, smartphone or microwave oven. Visit http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/

#6 The Long Expected Brunch Begins (from The Superfriends Of The Ring)

Thursday, September 22 finally dawned.  Before the gates were opened, wobbits were already lined up hoping for free breakfast burritos and hazelnut lattes. Bulbo had hoped that by having his party at noon on a work-day he would avoid an unmanageably large turnout, but this was not the case. Wobbits far and wide took sick days and arrived, ready to start eating and drinking. Most of them had not returned their RSVPs, and many of them weren’t invited at all. Bulbo met his guests and party-crashers in front of the crater Pantsoff had created when he “relocated” some poorly-placed playground equipment. The crater was filled with gifts that Bulbo handed out to all and Sundry. The latter, Mr. Blotto Sundry, was an acquaintance of Bulbo’s from The W Bush, a small inn on the Buythewater road.

Wobbits give gifts to others on their birthdays. Not very good ones, of course, but it kept the Wobbiton gift-wrap industry booming. And it was a welcome diversion at work to have a birthday gift distribution a couple of times a week. Nobody really liked the gifts: chia pets, ginsu knives, blankets with sleeves, but they liked the excitement of getting them. They were usually cheaply made, often with the logos from various dwarf banks or investment companies on them, a sure sign of re-gifting.

Finally the incredible delay caused by the gift-bottleneck at the entrance was over. Everyone had received their gift and found a seat, and the drinking and eating began. There were three official meals: brunch, cocktails, and happy hour. These events were marked chiefly by the fact that there was food available with the drinks that flowed constantly. The rest of the time everyone was drinking as much as possible, since a rumor was circulating that the open bar would become a cash bar once the fireworks started.

The fireworks were by Pantsoff, and they were surprisingly good. Pantsoff claimed to be an expert at almost everything, but he was actually great at two things: fireworks and popcorn. He could magically turn anything into popcorn, such as goblins, wolves or debt collectors. This was a much sought-after skill for parties such as Bulbo’s, which relied on plenty of cheap snacks. His fireworks were equally famous. He let off the larger rockets and effects himself, but he had a large inventory of firecrackers and sparklers that he freely gave away to any wobbit child that asked. “Don’t forget to stop, drop and roll!” he would say with a smile. His show featured a variety of flashes and and explosions, all of which ended up spelling something like “Visit Enron’s Last Waffle House! Try our new Chicken and Waffle Platter!”

Keep coming back for more of Superfriends Of The Ring. To read my loving, insightful, full-length parody of The Hobbit,  order a copy of my eBook The Wobbit on Amazon for only $3.00: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ZR9ELK .  

If you don't have a Kindle reader, you can download the Kindle app from Amazon for free and then read The Wobbit on your Mac, PC, smartphone or microwave oven. Visit http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/

#5 Preparing For The Party (from Superfriends Of The Ring)

A notice appeared on Bulbo's rickety screen door: 1) MEETINGS BY APPOINTMENT ONLY and below that 2) APPOINTMENTS MUST BE SET AT REGULAR MEETINGS. Bulbo became even more reclusive than normal, plotting and scheming constantly. 

One morning, all of Wobbiton was startled awake by a tremendous explosion. It came from a public park near the beauty salon. When wobbits from three neighboring homes went to investigate, they found Pantsoff standing in front of a smoking crater. 

"That was some fine wizarding, if I do say so myself" he said to one and all. The blast radius centered in a spot previously occupied by a swing set, a teeter totter and a jungle gym. With the playground equipment blown up, cartloads of tents, tiki-torches and horseshoe pits were brought in directly from the road. Pantsoff paid off the families to cover repairs of shrapnel damage to their homes and to keep them from making any official complaints to the Shirrif's Office. He had plenty of Bulbo's money available for his expenses.

Ham Sammich was soon re-tasked from his fake gardening duties to lead the putting-up of the tents. He introduced himself to everyone by saying "I'm the Tent-Erection Supervisor, you know, who makes sure the laborers are working hard." He called his son Sham the "Erection Foreman" until Sham begged him to stop.

Despite Ham's leadership, the tents were eventually assembled. The finest elf-cooks were brought in from the Murkywood Wood-Elf Lodge, and dwarf engineers were soon digging state-of-the-art latrines. The dwarves suggested that the especially large tree at one end of the park be decorated with festive yet practical strands of toilet paper.

Keep coming back for more of Superfriends Of The Ring. To read my loving, insightful, full-length parody of The Hobbit,  order a copy of my eBook The Wobbit on Amazon for only $3.00: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ZR9ELK .  

If you don't have a Kindle reader, you can download the Kindle app from Amazon for free and then read The Wobbit on your Mac, PC, smartphone or microwave oven. Visit http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/