RE: Bulbo’s Book May Not Have Been Entirely Accurate
From: Galadtameecha, Owner, Elf Resorts International
To: The Allies Of Goodness
The world is changed, and nobody likes change.
I can feel it at the water cooler, I can smell it in the break room. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. Let me explain.
It seems that in his book There Goes My Back Again (published in the Uttermost North as The Wobbit), the former contractor/thief Bulbo Bunkins may not have expressed two key concepts of the book with complete accuracy. This has created great confusion and must be addressed.
In case any of us are unclear about these concepts (I here address myself to the Wizard and Project Manager Pantsoff, in the unlikely event that he is actually reading this memo), let me be specific.
First of all, the ring that Bulbo “won” from the creature Gol-Gol is not a run-of-the-mill Ring Of Invisibility, such as you or I might swap for a Holocaust Cloak or a Wheelbarrow. It is, in fact, the most powerful and evil object in Little Earth.
It seems like it was only yesterday that the Really Great Rings were forged. Three were given to the Elves, of course, because they were the best rings available at the time. Seven were given to the Dwarves, because the great fathers of the dwarves, the creators of the song “Heigh Ho,” also numbered seven. Nine were given to the Kings Of Men, because the Queens Of Women felt the rings were too gaudy.
But they were all of them bamboozled, for another ring, a really REALLY great ring was made. In the land of Bordor, in the fires of Mount Dum-da-dum-dum he created it. The Lord and CEO of Bordor Enslavement, Banking And Destruction, Smoron contracted the forging of a super-ring to control the others. Into it he poured his impatience, his pettiness and his will to grow his corporation through acquisition. He could never have afforded to forge it in Bordor, so instead hired a skilled craftsman from the Uttermost South who did brilliant work at a very competitive rate. The ring was named after this craftsman: The Juan Ring.
One by one, the freedom-loving lands of Little Earth were either destroyed or bought out through the power of The Ring, but there were some who insisted on negotiating better deals. A Nearly Last Alliance of Elves and Men, who were to be allied many more times in the future as The Allies Of Goodness, marched against the Axis Of Evil.
The goblins and trolls and rargs that attacked were hideous. The air was filled with our arrows and their screams. The skies were unfortunately cloudy despite a forecast for a mild, sunny day. The allies were about to win the day when Smoron made a rare personal appearance. Even though he was an elf, his form was that of a giant warrior with uncomfortably spiky armor, which may explain his bad attitude that day. He was smoting Elves and Men all over the place. He was about to smote Isadora, son of the late King Of Men, Ellen-Doll, but he first stepped on Isadora’s sword, Nasal, and broke it in twain out of sheer spite.
But Isadora took the hilt of Nasal and somehow killed Smoron. No one knows how. I didn’t see it myself. Enron tells me it was a cheap shot to the groin, but others report that there was a weak spot in Smoron’s armor just inside the left breast. In any event, Smoron slowly vanished with a cry of “You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! What a world! Who would have thought a pathetic human like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Oh, look out! I'm going! Oh! Oh!”
His size 72 Extra-Tall suit of armor was left behind, useless to Isadora even with significant alterations. But Isadora noticed that The Ring magically re-sized itself. He picked it up but didn’t try it on, perhaps because he was wearing gloves. Others say he didn’t like it initially because it looked like a wedding band and he was unmarried. But he knew value when he saw it, so he kept it.
On the way home from the battle, Isadora was ambushed by a gang of goblins. They hadn’t yet heard that the battle was over and their capo di tutti capo had been vaporized. Isadora had discovered that The Juan Ring would make him invisible, so he dove into a nearby river to escape. What he didn’t know was that The Juan Ring would not give him the power to breath underwater, hold his breath indefinitely, or swim in full armor. He drowned, of course.
The Ring managed to swim like a scallop, jetting through the water by expanding and contracting, until it came to a new bearer, the most annoying creature imaginable. No one knows for sure, but we can assume he said something like “Well, looky here! I’m gonna call you My Precious, I say, My Precious!”
His name was Gol-Gol, and he was kind of crazy to begin with, but wearing The Juan Ring turned out to have some undesirable mental side effects. Again, we can guess that his internal dialogue, which he always spoke aloud, was along the lines of “Mine, I say, all mine! With your help, Precious, I’ll kill scrawny little goblins and eat them raw in a cave for the next thousand years! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!” That was mostly The Ring talking.
Finally, it was stolen by the aforementioned thief, Bulbo Bunkins, a Wobbit from Wobbiton. He invoked the ancient rule of Finders Keepers when he removed The Ring from Gol-gol’s dismal home and tucked it into his little waistcoat. Bulbo reports that the last thing he heard Gol-gol say was “Carn sarn it! Bunkins! We hates, I say, we hates it forever!”
He didn’t stick around to see what would happen next.
He didn’t stick around to see what would happen next.
In addition to his incomplete story of The Juan Ring, Bulbo also reported in his book that according to Pantsoff, Smoron had been defeated. While Pantsoff certainly said this, the statement is dangerously wrong. It is certainly true that The Axis Of Evil was defeated at the Battle Of Six Or Seven Armies, thanks to the last-minute arrivals of The King Of The Eagles and his Squadron Of The Eagles, as well as The Incredible Bjork.
It is also true that Smoron, while attempting to rebrand himself as “The Neccomancer,” was defeated by The Superwizard Council and thrown out of his corporate headquarters in Murkywood Forest. Unfortunately, though defeated, he melted away as he did at the hands of Isadora. Pantsoff was supposed to seal Smoron’s melting remains in an Invincibilium capsule to prevent this, but he was busy posing for a victory portrait at the time.
To sum up, The Juan Ring is far more dangerous than Pantsoff realizes, and Smoron is still at large and dangerous, despite melting away twice. If you see Pantsoff, please let him know. Action needs to be taken immediately to avoid market instability that would diminish the fortunes of us all.
Keep coming back for more of Superfriends Of The Ring. To read my loving, insightful, full-length parody of The Hobbit, order a copy of my eBook The Wobbit on Amazon for only $3.00: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ZR9ELK .
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