#4 Bulbo's Secret Plan (from The Superfriends Of The Ring)

Outside of Bulbo’s condo behind the beauty salon, he and Pantsoff sat smoking their pipes. It was a filthy habit Bulbo had picked up on their project with Borin Oakmanfield and the dwarves, and he had trouble quitting it, somehow. He blew an expert smoke ring that rose away over the garden that Ham and his son Sham Sammich tended for minimum wage. Pantsoff blew a series of rings that linked together to spell out Pantsoff The Wizard, your one-stop project management solution! As the cloud drifted, it flashed different colors.

“I think I need a holiday,” said Bulbo.

“A holiday from what?” said Pantsoff. “You haven’t done a day’s work since the Oakmanfield Project!”

“A vacation, then. You know, my plan, my secret plan. At the party, with my little joke.”

“The one about the elf and his proctologist?”

“No,” said Bulbo. “The one where I disappear from my own party and leave the bar bill for the Snackbag-Bunkinses.”

“Ah,” said Pantsoff. “Not much of a joke, really. More of a prank. Who will laugh, I wonder?”

The next day more carts rolled up to the beauty salon. There might have been some grumbling along the lines of “Shop locally!” or “Support small businesses!” but that very week orders started pouring out to community merchants, requiring Bulbo to pay the Wobbiton sales tax. Deliveries were made of bulk-package hors d’oeuvres, boxes of wine, countless rolls of crepe paper decorations and every cheap party commodity you can imagine.

Before long, invitations began pouring out. The service at the Wobbiton post-office became even slower than ever, and the one in Buythewater township simply closed until vagrants could be rounded up to help. Bulbo blamed these “guest workers” for the low volume of RSVPs. In fact, his pre-stamped response cards reading Thank you, I shall certainly come, with one guest were mostly sitting on kitchen counters and dining room tables from Bug End to Bugger Heights. Bulbo was never to get an accurate headcount.

Keep coming back for more of Superfriends Of The Ring. To read my loving, insightful, full-length parody of The Hobbit,  order a copy of my eBook The Wobbit on Amazon for only $3.00: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ZR9ELK .  

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Bilbo-Bulbo Astrological Comparison Executive Summary

In case the last post (A Bilbo-Bulbo Astrological Comparison) was too much for any non-astrologer readers out there, I have created a shorter Executive Summary. You do not need to be an executive to read it. It includes some of the most interesting points from the original Comparison. I have added some insightful comments of my own. 

In general, the Astrological Comparison is a look at what a relationship between Bilbo Baggins (from The Hobbit) and Bulbo Bunkins (from The Wobbit A Parody) might be like if they met in an alternate reality.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

• Bulbo's Sun in Taurus and Bilbo's Sun in Virgo: Bilbo is more precise and more of a perfectionist than Bulbo. Bilbo is also more easily worried and more inconsistent. Bulbo is steadier emotionally than Bilbo is, and Bilbo appreciates Bulbo's consistent nurturing, healing, and soothing qualities. Of course Bulbo is steadier emotionally than Bilbo. He isn't independently wealthy like Bilbo, not at the start of the book, at least. Years of facing frustration and underemployment have strengthened him. More or less.

• Bulbo's Sun Conjunct Bilbo's Uranus: You inspire each other to try new things, experiment, and investigate alternatives. You may have met each other, for example, during a time period when both of you were breaking free from traditional values and exploring new possibilities. They both go through a great deal of character development. Bilbo probably more-so, since he's in a longer book.

• Bilbo's Sun Square Bulbo's Moon: In particular, Bulbo often feels that Bilbo does not sympathize enough or try to really understand Bulbo's feelings. Bilbo is not very sympathetic in general. And he certainly didn't understand the feelings of the dwarves as he was stuffing them into barrels to be thrown into a river. True, Bulbo did the same thing, but it was Bilbo's idea, and he did it first.

• Bulbo's Moon Opposite Bilbo's Mars: If they share an interest in the same sport (for example tennis or golf) they will enjoy competing against each other. The sports in question would be darts, lawn bowling, and rootball, which is like football, but played with a rutabaga. Bulbo is a fan of that last one, but he never actually played the game.

• Ascendant in Libra: The two of you project an image of elegance and fine taste and you endeavor to surround yourselves with beauty. Bilbo might be more elegant than Bulbo, but Bulbo is widely regarded as a maker of excellent cocktails. His Manhattan is especially sought-after.

• Moon in Taurus: They're very good at pleasing each other on a sensual level. Here the astrologers certainly are referring to sensual pleasures like music, fine art, and gourmet dining, because this comparison is for "Moon in Taurus" rather than "Ascendant in Uranus."

• Sun Sesquiquadrate Jupiter: One of the purposes of their friendship is to inspire each other to aim higher, to do bigger things, to see much more of the world, and to expand their sense of what is possible. Being "higher and expanding their sense of what is possible" comes primarily from the abuse of pipe-weed, mostly by Bilbo. Bulbo generally sticks to bourbon.

• Sun Square Uranus: Periodic unexpected events and changes create an unsettled feeling between them, as if they can never quite relax. Both Bilbo and Bulbo suffer from a lot of free-floating anxiety. Since his adventure and to this very day, Bulbo becomes moody every year on Derwin's Day, the fabled gift-giving holiday of the dwarves. His friend Pantsoff the Wizard once "prescribed" him some Xanax. but it didn't seem to help.

• Moon Semisquare Mercury: If they can respect one another's opinions and preferences, rather than get defensive, they'll find that they can tell one another very personal details of their lives, and end up being very close friends as a result. If only they could! Perhaps a Bilbo-Bulbo crossover story is possible, if only the Tolkien Estate and the Saul Zaentz Company could be convinced.